Self-compassion is simply compassion directed inwards. Drawing on the writings of various Buddhist teachers, operationalized self-compassion consists of three main elements. The three elements are:
SELF-KINDNESS: Being kind, gentle and understanding with yourself when you are suffering.
COMMON HUMANITY: Realizing that you are not alone in your struggles. When we are struggling, we tend to feel especially isolated. We think we are the only ones to experience loss, make mistakes, feel rejected, or fail. But it is these very struggles that are part of our shared human experience.
MINDFULNESS: Observing life as it is, without judgment or suppressing your thoughts and feelings.
So what does that look like in one’s everyday life?
Speaking from the experience of someone who is a recovering perfectionist (gawd, it can be SO exhausting!), as well as being a counsellor working with youth, I can attest that the implementation of self-compassion techniques into one’s life can be transformational. Most people don’t think twice about offering loving kindness to others. But how frequently do we treat ourselves lovingly?
Being self-compassionate might seem unnatural at first. These strategies can help. This may be harder for some individuals, particularly if you have experienced trauma, so it can be important to work with a counsellor.
- Consider how you would treat someone else. The simplest thing you can do is to imagine what you would do if someone you cared about came to you after failing at something or feeling rejected. What would you say to them? How would you treat them?
- Watch your language. You may be so used to criticizing yourself that you don’t even realize that you are doing it, so it helps to pay particular attention to the words you chose to speak about yourself. If you wouldn’t say the same statements to someone you care about, then you are being self-critical.
- Comfort yourself with a physical gesture. Kind physical gestures have an immediate impact on our bodies, activating the soothing parasympathetic system. Specifically, physical gestures “get you out of your head and drop into your body”, which is important since “the head loves to run away with storylines” (e.g: “I’m no good”, “if only I was better at…”). One way to give yourself a kind physical gesture is to place your hands over your heart or simply hold your arm. Any soothing gesture will do.
- Memorize a set of compassionate phrases. Whenever you find yourself saying “I’m horrible”, it helps to have a few phrases ready. Pick statements that resonate with you. Combine that with a physical gesture – like hands over the heart, which is especially powerful. Here are some examples of phrases:
- This is a moment of suffering.
- Suffering is a part of life.
- May I be kind to myself in this moment?
- May I give myself the compassion I deserve?
- Practice guided meditation. Meditation helps to retrain the brain. This way, self-compassionate gestures and self-soothing become more natural.
Just like the muscles in your body become more limber with exercise, so too will your self-compassion “muscle” the more you use it!
~Christine Hall, BA CYC, Youth & Family Counsellor
*Adapted from:
Germer, C.K. & Neff, K.D. (2013). Self-compassion is clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology: In Session, 69, (8) 856-867
Tartakowsky, M. (2012). 5 Strategies for Self-Compassion. PsychCentral. Retrieved from http://psychcentral.com
